How to recognise hidden feedback:

“We all need people who will give us feedback. That’s how we improve.”
– Bill Gates

We most often hear phrases our friends and contacts tell us.

a. ‘Because of you, we are always late to the sports complex’.

b. ‘You always miss the deadline to submit the assignment’.

c. ‘I do not like the colour combination of your dresses’.

When they say you are late for the sports complex, then it means you lack self/time management. When they say you miss the deadline, then you need to improve your organisational skills and working style. And when they say they don’t like your colour combination of dresses, probably you might have to look at your dressing sense.

There is a proverb which says, the enemy is always sweeter and the friend is bitter. A friend always judges our action and immediately gives feedback to it, both consciously and subconsciously. When I mean friend, it could be any person close to us, a father, a brother, an uncle, or a classmate. It takes loads of courage to give a feedback.

The problem with the feedback is, the feedback giver is also not aware that he is giving feedback and the receiver is also not aware that he is receiving a feedback. And the other problem is that the tone in which we usually receive feedback is not a pleasant tone and words are not kind enough. This might be the weakness of feedback giver in communicating, but a good takeaway for us is to ponder, think what is there in store for me in this feedback. And one more pain point is, the well-wishers do not say that they are giving feedback, the feedback does not come as feedback, we need to recognise it in our everyday communication.

The usual and natural reactions to feedbacks are to defend ourselves. It’s a human tendency. Defending oneself when receiving feedback is an act of self-preservation. And once we react defensively to feedback, it becomes scary and it could also be offensive to others. As normal as a defensive reaction is to feedback, it makes others so uncomfortable that they’ll be hesitant to give you feedback again. And luckily our friends do not mind giving feed backs again and again how much ever defensive we are.

Once you recognise that you are receiving a feedback, say them ‘thank you’. And tell them that, (example point b) when they say you are always late in meeting the deadlines, this is something you really have to work on. Or if you cannot thank them for this, just smile and do not defend yourself. Find a quiet place and time, and think where you need to improve upon. Consider these masked feed backs are making you good, better and best.

By:

Maaz Mohammed A.Q

(Writer is a learning strategist at Life Skills Express, a startup working on developing life skills curriculum for adolescence)

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